Lie Back and Think of Humanity Censored version
by GracelessLamb
Summary: AU. Masskink fill. Oneshot. This marriage was a symbol of the unity between races. Too bad they ruined the metaphor with the commentary. Full summary inside.


**Author's note: I know what you're thinking. "GRACIE (the nickname I just gave myself) WHY HAVEN'T YOU UPDATED IN FOREVER? Well, dear readers. I have a life. No time for writing. I will update things eventually, but just bear with me. Anyway, so I've been playing MassEffect constantly and I've been lurking over at masskink for about a week now, and I came across a prompt that I wanted to fill. So I did. And I decided to post a censored version on here. Yes, I have censored this due to the fact that my sister knows of this profile and I don't want to mortify her. SO. If you REALLY want to read my sad attempt at smut, you can find it in its entirety over on the masskink livejournal community but you might have to do some hunting. *hint hint* *wink wink* *nudge nudge* This fic is still rated even though I took out the lemon, the dialogue and spectator's comments are still there and they are quite suggestive. So do with that as you will.**

**Anyway, the prompt appealed to the history nerd in me, probably not the intention of the one who requested it, but whatevs. They requested an AU in which the First Contact War treaty was settled with a marriage between their two greatest warriors, in this case Garrus Valkarian and Fem!Shep. Like most arranged marriages in the olden days, the consummation must be witnessed by spectators. In this case, the spectators were allowed to make commentary. So I took that idea and ran with it and it spawned this. **

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><p>Jane Shepard hated wearing formal dresses. They were always itchy, rough, and usually two sizes smaller than what was on the price tag. She also had an extreme hatred for dress shoes. Who in their right mind decided that every sort of fancy footwear had to be tight and blister inducing? And here she was, clad in the tightest of fancy footwear and the fanciest of dresses, saving humanity from complete annihilation.<p>

The First Contact War had been a long and bloody affair, and finally, there was a chance for peace. The last battle between the Turians and the Humans had almost tripled the numbers of casualties on both sides. After that, leaders from both parties declared a temporary truce to negotiate a more peaceful solution to end the bloodshed and create mutual political understanding.

After weeks of negotiation, they finally created a treaty that would end the war. But as a symbol of their newfound understanding, the strongest human warrior would wed his or her Turian equal. The humans had chosen Commander Jane Shepard of the Alliance. The turians responded with Garrus Vakarian of the Turian Military. Both were 25 years of age and considered very attractive to their respective species. They would be married in both human and turian ceremonies with a reception afterwards. After the reception, guests were invited to witness the consummation of the reception as further proof that the human and the turian weren't that different after all. Yes, this was advertised, much to the embarrassment of both the bride and the groom.

As much as both Shepard and Vakarian hated the idea of being observed while they had awkward interspecies sex with someone they had never met before, both agreed that it was for the good of the galaxy. It was a mantra that both of them played over and over in their minds if they had any doubts. Both of them wanted peace in the galaxy more than anything else, and they would do anything to acquire it.

Even if it meant having awkward sex with a strange alien while people watched.

For...the good... of the galaxy.

The Turian ceremony was quick and painless for Jane. (a/n: I have no clue about turian weddings, nor do I feel like looking it up, so you get one sentence. Deal. With. It.)

The church that was chosen for the human ceremony was huge and magnificent, and conveniently right down the street from the fancy hotel where the reception and the...public consummation would take place.

Jane steadied her breathing as she prepared to experience possibly the most expensive wedding in human history. She fidgeted in her dress, which probably cost millions. The thought that they spent millions on the dress, yet still made it completely uncomfortable was baffling to her. 'So much for government spending.' she thought.

The elaborate double doors opened and she walked slowly down the aisle while a full orchestra preformed a tearjerking rendition of Pachelbel's 'Canon in D'. All eyes were on her, the beautiful and strong bride saving humanity from a long and bloody war in a wedding dress. But she was watching her groom as he fidgeted uncomfortably in his tux. It took a lot of discipline for Jane to fight back a chuckle. The great warrior Garrus Vakarian, feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

The ceremony progressed, the vows were made, and the first kiss (if you could bumping lip to sort-of-lips briefly a kiss) was had.

The reception was an awkward affair. While the guests celebrated, the newlyweds attempted small talk.

"So...um. Do you have any preferences when we, um, you know?" Garrus wished he had a better conversation topic. But their fast-approaching physical intimacy weighed on both of their minds.

"I think I'm just going to lie back and think of Humanity, you know?" she answered.

"Well that part's obvious. I just wanted to make sure you're comfortable when we...uh...unite to save the galaxy." After pausing to notice the amused expression on her face, he felt his face heat up.

"I am so, SO sorry for that metaphor. It sounded better in my head." he quickly explained.

"Uh huh. It's fine, Garrus. I think it's cute." she said, patting him on the arm.

"Um, thanks? Also, you look beautiful in that dress. And your hair looks...lovely, as well as your waist."

"Why thank you. You look very...dashing in your suit."

"Thank you."

This went on until the call was made to move the party to the honeymoon suite where the consummation would take place.

He held her hand in his as they boarded the elevator with everyone who would be witnessing their consummation. They tried to ignore all the lewd comments being made by the other passengers.

"I hope the pretty little human doesn't break in half while Vakarian is pounding into her"

"Oh please, with that body, Commander Shepard HAS to be a beast in bed."

Jane's fist clenched as she was preparing to deck whoever said that but Garrus shot her a look and held her back with the hand that wasn't clenched around her other hand. He leaned in and whispered in her ear.

"Don't. He's not worth it." The feeling of him talking in her ear was really hot, honestly. Turian males were known for their deep and smooth voices, and Garrus was no exception.

Whistles and applause were met at the sight of him whispering in her ear. The crowd that was going to watch the consummation was going to be the obnoxious kind.

The elevator dinged and they walked into the honeymoon suite, which took up the entire floor. The bed was large and elegant with all the preparations for interspecies intercourse: condoms, and meds for allergic reactions to fluids. Chairs were placed a good distance from the bed, and the audience excitedly took their seats.

Shepard faced the audience to make the introduction speech she prepared. "Welcome to the end of the First Contact and the beginning of a new era of unity. For too long, blood has been shed between our people and finally it will be over. This joining between Vakarian and myself symbolizes the peace between our people."

Garrus nodded in agreement. He walked over to face Shepard and they leaned forward, their foreheads touching.

("Is that supposed to be a turian kiss? The forehead bump of love? Laaame"

"You show that human how we turians make LOVE, Garrus!")

Garrus breathed deeply and whispered "Just let me know if I hurt you, okay Shepard?"

Shepard nodded, her forehead still pressed against his.

("What are they saying? I can't hear"

"Come onnnnnn get to the good part already!")

Shepard started undoing the button's on Garrus' jacket one by one, their foreheads still joined.

("Aw..I think they look sweet together"

"They're taking forever.")

The jacket fell to the floor and his shirt followed close behind.

(The women in the audience whistled "Take it off! Take it off!")

("I think I want a turian lover now. I don't care what Mother says. Look at that tongue.")

"No, I can do it myself. Just..uh..turn around."

("Psh, you humans make everything so small. If you know what I mean."

"And that's why five fingers are superior.")

("Oh my God that was so fucking hot."

"and THAT'S how you remove clothing turian-style.")

("He's such a gentleman"

"Spirits, Valkarian, just fuck the human already!")

"Um...Shepard...do you mind turning around really quick?"

"Why don't I just take it off?"

"No, let me-nevermind."

("...and there went his pride. Humans win. Suck it, turians!"

"Hey, I caught it, does that mean I get married next?"

"No, stupid turian. That's a bouquet.")

("FINALLY something resembling porn."

"I've always wanted to see those human fleshbags up close")

("Aww...they didn't throw them this time. I wanted a souvenir"

"You can't have mine. I'm keeping it" )

("Aww yeah, here we go!"

"Show her what a turian can do, Vakarian"

"Blow his brains out Shepard!")

"Just lie back and think of humanity, alright Shepard?"

Shepard's face turned bright red and he chuckled.

("I couldn't hear what he said, but I think it was something really sexy"

"Come onnnnnnn get it on already!")

(The audience applauded and whistled, while some were cheering as if it were a Super Bowl game for their respective species.)

Garrus slowly turned to the audience, who were cheering enthusiastically for the union of their species. He waited for them to die down.

"Alright, show's over. Get. The. Hell. Out." he bellowed.

Everybody rushed to the door in a mad rush for their lives. No one wanted to face the wrath of the great Garrus Vakarian.

When they left he chuckled triumphantly.

"So I think I'm going to have a nap, care to join me Shepard?" he said as he pulled himself under the warm covers.

"Sounds like a plan."

THE END

**Author's note: Alright ****people, you know the drill. Read, review, tell me I suck. Go hunting for the full version if you REALLY want to read it. Comment on that too, that'd be awesome. **


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